Learn from my mistakes.
- Trust your instinct to stay home when you wake up with an exceptionally bad headache and nausea.
- Do not, instead, drive the 20 miles to work like a chump.
- Be at least grateful that you get to the office at 7 when very few people are there.
- Do not work in an office that makes you go through a minimum of 4 god damn doors to get to the bathroom.
- Do not throw up at work.
- Do not do something that ultimately places you in rush hour traffic to drive home because you are violently ill. See #1.
- Wish for death to come and take you…and your car too since you don’t want to make rush hour any worse than it already is.
- Do not throw up three times while driving.
- Be grateful it was stop and go traffic if only because this means you are not throwing up while operating a car going 65mph.
- Resent the stop and go traffic because it means the drive home took over an hour.
- Make sure you have some of those grocery store tote bags in your car. And some napkins from various restaurants. (FYI: Four bags were available. Three were used.)
- Do not, repeat, do not throw up three times while driving.
- Walk the three used tote bags to the dumpster as soon as you get home.
- Be grateful you asked a friend to drop off a care package with the requisite ginger ale and crackers while you were sitting in traffic.
- Do not ever let this happen again.
Nature is red in whiskers and fluffy tail
Since I am now not even remotely Twitter famous, let me quote myself from there this weekend:
“Bruised and scraped the hell out of my knee yesterday scrambling to get away from a bear. Yeah, okay, I tripped over a rabbit. A RABBIT.”
I tripped over a rabbit Saturday afternoon, folks. I was out walking, minding my own business, when some sort of kerfuffle took place in the adjacent shrubbery and all manner of small and heretofore non-vicious animals spilled out in all directions including a cottontail rabbit that plowed right straight into my foot and brought me down to the ground on my left knee.
The rabbit is fine. Well, besides almost certainly needing counseling.
My knee is a scraped, bruised, and bloody mess, and the best part of this is that I was far enough from home to just say to hell with it and walk to Walgreens for some large knee-friendly bandages.
I suppose I should consider myself lucky that I only collided with a rabbit since A HAWK FLEW OUT OF SOMEONE’S BACK YARD ACROSS THE STREET FROM WALGREENS. Hello. A hawk. In Arlington. A half block from Crate & Barrel. I half expected to see a bear cruise up to Whole Foods with a couple of tote bags slung over its shoulder. What? I’m sure bears care deeply about the environment too.
The best part of this story is that everyone eventually concedes that I must be telling the truth because not even I could make this up. No, actually, I take that back. The best part is what some folks have said including “Was it carrying a pocket watch?” and “You’re the Jimmy Carter of our generation.”
At any rate, I’m thinking I might have to dress like this from now on when I go out.
Carrion/Questions
There were two of them sitting shoulder to shoulder, quiet and still. I don’t know why they were sitting together or what they were waiting for or why that particular street lamp was so appealing, but I do know that seeing two rather large vultures crowded onto one street lamp first thing in the morning makes me think that something or someone is about to have a very bad day.
I just hope it isn’t me.
Rotary, part 2
Elise sent me this photo to let me know that Natalie not only likes the phone but mysteriously knows how it works. AWESOME. Steve informs me he managed to get 2 quarters out of the phone too. I knew I should have checked it more closely before I gave it away.
Seen and heard
Terrible dancing, muffin tops, regrettable Facebook photos in the making, at least one black midgets in a tutu, gold leggings, more drag queens than expected, art, breasts, peens, bicycles, police escorts, acoustic Karma Police, trying too hard, tart commentary, marble stairs, more marble stairs, LEDs, wigs, support hose, surprise Adam’s apples, hot pants, knee socks, mating rituals, sundresses, punk wannabes, balloons, pretzels on a shopping cart, glitter, beads, condoms, a big box recently full of lube, Andre the Giant (stickers), the capitol dome, exuberance, the mayor, tiaras, crowns, flags, sashes, feather boas, leather chaps, cross dressing flight attendant cheerleaders, chess, muttering, like, like again, like used as a complete sentence, a mohawk, peace signs, love, fountains, optimism, books, history, dedication, hope.
[Evidence]
Learning to fly
I startled this little guy when I walked outside Thursday morning. He was resting in the rosebush by the front door and when I opened said door, he took off with a burst of energy and fear for the tree out front. I had clearly interrupted a morning flying lesson. Two adult robins were nearby watching.
He sat on this branch for a few minutes gathering strength and the nerve, I suppose, to take off again, all the while hoping I wasn’t going to eat him as I insensitively stood there taking photos and just generally freaking him out.
Eventually he took off again and glided to the ground near the adults who were waiting to comfort him. That’s what I like to think anyway.
Sunday morning
It’s raining.
I approve of this. The more the better at least until my apartment building slides off into the street.
I woke up this morning to a terrible dream. The details don’t matter as they don’t apply to any aspect of my actual life, but the feelings of despair, exhaustion, and defeat linger and will linger for a while longer. I don’t know where this dream came from but if I figure it out, I am going to burn that place down and salt the earth.
I got out fairly early in part to escape the dream and in part to just walk around a bit. I was hit up for money by my neighbor who seems, from what I can gather, to be in some sort of rehabilitation program for formerly homeless people. I assume her housing and various other needs are subsidized in return for…I don’t know. I’m sure they work of various kinds of skills and behaviors. One behavior they cannot seem to break her of, if they even know she is doing this, is asking for money. She has asked almost all of us in the building for a couple of dollars here and there. She was working her program this morning over by the drug store where she stopped and asked me for some money so she could replace the food that someone stole and feed her children who are hungry. She doesn’t have any children, at least not any living with her. She clearly didn’t recognize me and appears to have some sort of trouble processing, but I know neither the nature nor the source thereof. I responded by saying I didn’t have any money but since she has been the victim of a crime, I would be happy to walk her to the police station which is a couple of blocks away. She couldn’t back away from me fast enough. And she won’t remember this the next time she sees me and asks me for a couple of dollars.
On my was back home, I stopped off at the school playground to inspect the new map on the basketball court. They’ve gone global this time around:
Since I am a fan of all things cartographic, I am always please to see a map, particularly at a school, but I do have some questions about the execution and accuracy of this here map. Let’s look at Hawaii and the Aleutian Islands for example:
I find this inadequate.
Thus far this whole day has been inadequate. It’ll get better though. It always does.
Dance practice
Sunday morning, as I sat in the parking lot outside the vet’s office, blinking at the shiny hotness of this July-in-April weather and dehydrated from crying, I noticed a burst of movement off to the the side of the building. A group of young men were dancing. Step, jump, turn, half step forward and back. They were smiling and laughing. They were beautiful and graceful. As distractions go, it was a good one and I needed it.
Set a course for adventure, your mind on a new romance.
Ogre: I have to tell you a story.
Across the street at the bus stop was an old man walking a chihuahua on a leash. He was talking to an old lady who was talking to the dog. A young woman walking a tall whippet-type dog came along and stopped to talk. The chihuahua was very interested in the other dog and they were going through all the standard get-acquainted rituals.
AND THEN…
The chihuahua suddenly leaped into the air and landed like a ninja on the rearward portion of the big dog’s back. His intent was clear and his resolve was firm.
Predictably the leapee whirled around in shocked surprise and and continued to spin counter-clockwise very rapidly thereby braiding the leashes together. One of these spins of course looped one of the leashes around the leg of the young woman as she tried to intervene. As the big dog tried in vain to dislodge the rider, she (I’m assuming she) became more and more distressed and started to yelp piteously.
There was laughter and barking and struggling for balance until the old man plucked the ninja dog off the other one and detached the leash from his collar. The young woman then proceeded to unravel the leashes while laughing uncontrollably, The laughter also included me and a young man who had stopped on my side of the street to watch. We both applauded the performance.
Jagosaurus: Love! Exciting and New! Don’t come Aboard. We’re weren’t expecting you…bark bark bark bark yelp yelp yelp!
Ogre: The Love Dog…is making another run. The Loooooooooooooooooove Dog promises something for everyone.
