Goober.
J: Driiiiiiive cayerful!
T: Draaahve cayerful now, ya’ heeyur?
J: You be sweet now.
J: Y’all come on with us.
J: Don’t be a stranger!
T: Oh my god, I heard “You be sweet now!” about 500 times. Jeet yet?
J: Try to ack like sumbody.
T: My favorite is still “You BEST ack like sumbody.”
J: BES. You BES ack like sumbody.
T: I stand corrected. Goober.
Enhancing my brand: Let me show you my stimulus package
I don’t own an iPhone but boy howdy do I wish I had one now. Check it out:
“Hillbilly PickUp: Do you have a hard time talking to the ladies? Lack the courage to flirt with girls? Too lazy to open your mouth? Don’t worry, let Hillbilly Zeek do all the talking for you. Hillbilly Zeek is your best wingman and he’ll get you the ladies. All you have to do is select the pick up line that you want to say, hold the iphone to your mouth and watch the ladies swarm. It’s that easy! Hillbilly Pickup has 10 fully animated videos of hillbilly Zeek’s mouth.”
I bet you are asking yourself, “What does Hillbilly Zeek’s mouth look like?” Oh, who am I kidding? We all know, and it has been helpfully reinforced by Diane Sawyer herdamnself, that hillbillies ain’t got no teeth or if we do have them, they are in various advanced stages of decay.
Yeah.
Enhancing my brand: Teef
Look, I don’t know you the rest of you people treat your dentures, but in the mountains we do not just set them out on the table. We use that bib pocket on our overalls of course.
Also, if Uncle Snuffy is chomping on cake, then, uh, whose teeth are those on the table?
Enhancing my brand: Scratch and Smif
At first, I was horrified with where I thought this was going:
…but now I’m just baffled.
Enhancing my brand: Why, really we’re just not the gossipy kind.
You know what’s running through my head now? This:
- “Now, we’re not ones to go ’round spreadin’ rumors,
- Why, really we’re just not the gossipy kind,
- No, you’ll never hear one of us repeating gossip,
- So you’d better be sure and listen close the first time!”
The good news for those of you who have no idea what I am talking about is that I cannot find a video clip of it that you would feel compelled to click, thereby exposing yourself to this insidious earworm.
The bad news for some of you is that you know what I am talking about and now have this song going through your head.
The bad news for everyone is that I found this.
Enhancing my brand: Cherry pie
The last thing I want to think about is these people having sex. The next-to-last thing I want to think about is Warrant.
Enhancing my brand: ‘Rithmatic
Dammit. Thanks for nothing, Barney Google. How are we supposed to maintain our reputation for slack-jawed, inbred, mind-numbing stupidity if people find out we don’t wear shoes in order to do math? Next thing you know, it’ll be revealed that those things you people think are stills are actually particle accelerators. Is nothing sacred?
Enhancing my brand
Sometimes you receive confirmation that the people you have become friends with are truly your friends and really looking out for you. Consider this email I received from Sgazzetti this morning:
I was wondering if the comic strip “Snuffy Smith” is still being published, and if so why you aren’t doing, say, a weekly feature where you post the week’s most outstanding strip and provide a balanced, measured exegesis of what makes the comic so deeply representative of the lifestyle choices of America’s mountain dwellers. You could also include a careful analysis of the mordant humor with which each frame — nay, penstroke — drips.
Just an idea for a way you could extend your, you know, brand.
Genius. Why had I never thought of this? He thought of it because he was in the midst of procrastinating, and drumming up work for others is a great way to kill time. And because he is a genius.
I don’t know if I can do this on weekly basis, and I sincerely doubt I can manage a “balanced, measured exegesis” but I can at least try.
Here’s the first installment. It is short and to the point:
That’s right. Because we mountain folks aren’t used to big, ol’ tall things obstructing the view.
