The Raptor

Instant message to a colleague just now about a vision I had. Okay, not so much a vision as it was something I actually saw:

After you left
A hawk appeared unto me.
Well, unto K. actually.
And lo,
it was partaking of the mice of the fields
and was distracted.
And we were able to behold it
whilst worshiping at its talons.
And graven images were recorded by my camera
while standing in your cubicle, which provided the best view.
Amen.

If any of these images turn out, I’ll post them.

What starts on Twitter makes it to Facebook and sometimes ends up here.

jagosaurus: Coworker is earnestly saving salt/pepper packets. It’s comforting to know we’ll be ready when the seasoning apocalypse comes to this floor.

c: What’s the CNN breaking news headline for this crisis: Blandgate?

jagosaurus: Heralded by a band of angels called the No Spice Girls.

c: Or Salt N Pepa

m: Is it Iodized Salt? Hafta fight Goiter.

jagosaurus: Fighting Goiter sounds like some Biblical story. Goiter rose up and slew many a fine profile. And there was much wailing and gnashing of teeth and hurling of sea salt. And lo, the angel of Morton came unto them and told them to build a monument to Iodine, but it was just a big “I” and it was boring. And they hated it.

c: When did Morton go up to Mt. Cyanide to get the Ten Condiments?

jagosaurus: Around the same time God was deciding what to do about the Tower of Basil.

FEAR ME, FOR I AM NOG.

I am the first choice in some circles for delivering proxy beatdowns on vexatious people.

C: I am going to drive to northern VA and choke [redacted]. BRB.
T: Dude. Surely there’s someone there who can do it for you.
T: Ask Jane.
C: JANE!
T: Hahahahahaha!
C: She can put on her stealth ninja gear.
T: She’s our ninja on the ground in northern VA.
C: NOG.

You guys! I’m so proud right now.

Goober.

J: Driiiiiiive cayerful!
T: Draaahve cayerful now, ya’ heeyur?
J: You be sweet now.
J: Y’all come on with us.
J: Don’t be a stranger!
T: Oh my god, I heard “You be sweet now!” about 500 times. Jeet yet?
J: Try to ack like sumbody.
T: My favorite is still “You BEST ack like sumbody.”
J: BES. You BES ack like sumbody.
T: I stand corrected. Goober.

Lonesome duck

Overheard at the Capitol Reflection Pool:

Father: “See those ducks?”
Kid: “Yeah.”
Father: “We’re gonna ride them later.”
Kid: “Cool!”
Father: “And see that castle-looking building over there? Know what they call it?”
Kid: “No. What?”
Father: “The Castle.”
Kid: “…”

And that’s when I completely cracked up.

Things I have recently said. (updated)

In no particular order but numbered for your convenience…or something.

1. Not even the French can make the word fart elegant. Let this be a lesson to us all.
2. The NyQuil cake has not landed. Repeat: The NyQuil cake has not landed. Over.
3. That’s me. Always the villain, never the ninja.
4. I don’t actually have to know people to hate them.
5. There was also a lion.
6. The sickle was equally problematic so I had to substitute a spatula.
7. They* are, every one of them, bastards, and I hate them all.
8. Can you tell which ones are naturally flavored and which ones are artificially flavored?
9. I hope this door slamming in my building goes on all night. It’s terrific. Very relaxing.
10. Oh my god that shower was a good idea.
11. Everyone is asking me if I am responsible for the flowers. I’m going to start making stuff up: “Yes, in fact I made those from various kinds of artisan paper, some of which I manufactured myself with the help of a local paper wasp colony I discovered on a recent walkabout. I carefully crafted each petal and leaf over a period of weeks. The stalks are coated in plastic and suspended in clear gelatin designed to look and flow like water.”
12. I don’t like the shiny new gold $1 coins because I can’t wrap them around my teeth.
13. I am in the gravelly voice hacking cough stage of this cold so I sound like Kathleen Turner after a scotch and cigarette bender.

* Butterflies

Meatloaf hating validation

Elise: What’s the first food Natalie refuses to eat? Meatloaf.
Jane: VICTORY IS MINE.
Ogre: CONTAMINATED! This is why people home school their children…to keep them away from wing-nut zealots and food chauvinists.
Jane: This is the best early birthday present ever.
Ogre: She probably just wasn’t hungry.
Jane: LIES. She is obviously a genius.
Ogre: If you make her left handed too I will put you in an iron maiden. That’s a promise.
Elise: I hope she’s left handed.
Ogre: Oh, you just said that because you’ve never seen an iron maiden before and you want to hear Jane’s piteous screams coming from the dungeon. You have to be constantly entertained.
Jane: Ohhhhhh. I thought you said you’d put me in Iron Maiden, which would have been awesome.

Book rate

Me: I need to mail this First Class please.
Rose: Okay.
Me: [watches the first class rate pop up on the screen]
Rose: Is it a book or something?
Me: Yep, it’s a book.
Rose: [Does some more typing, stamps MEDIA MAIL all over the package and prints out a postage label for $3ish]
Me: Wait. How long is that going to take to get there?
Rose: Book rate takes a loooooong time.
Me: Yes. Which is why I asked for First Class.
Rose: Well, I asked you if it was a book and you said yes.
Me: Yes, because you asked. Nevertheless, I said as soon as I walked up here that it should be be sent First Class.
Rose: Harrumph. [Prints out another label to complete the First Class $7ish postage and covers the MEDIA MAIL stamps with first class stickers.]

God dammit, I hate her.

Asparagus

Trasherati: Here’s a taste of what I get in emails from home: “remind me to tell you about J. wanting to poop in the woods and all I care about is asparagus…”
Jagosaurus: I’m sorry. What?
Trasherati: That’s what I said. Also, please tell me those two topics are unrelated.
Jagosaurus: So much for lunch now.
Trasherati: Oh, dear. Turns out they are one in the same story- he was mad, too! I can’t WAIT to hear this story.
Jagosaurus: So mad he pooped asparagus? In the woods? Pooped in the asparagus?
Trasherati: I have no idea, dude. We have an asparagus bed at the edge of the driveway. Maybe he was scoping it out.
Jagosaurus: If a boy poops asparagus in the woods, and no one is there to see it, is it still gross?
Trasherati: YES.
Jagosaurus: I suppose an asparagus bed is like a tiny forest. Does J. even like asparagus?
Trasherati: J. would never ingest asparagus. Nor would I, if he had pooped in it.
Jagosaurus: Ditto that.
Trasherati: Good god, chalk up another “I can’t believe parenthood requires me to utter things like this.” conversation. This time it’s “No, you may not poop in the asparagus bed. WHY DO I EVEN HAVE TO SAY THAT?”
Jagosaurus: I’m so glad I don’t have kids.

Charmingly chubby

jagosaurus: Check this out.

trasherati: HOLY FUCK WOULD YOU WARN SOMEONE FIRST, PLEASE?
jagosaurus: :-D
trasherati: What’s with how he’s cupping/flashing his little package? Ewwww.
jagosaurus: Hahahahaha, I hadn’t even noticed the cuppage.
trasherati: He looks like a little seedy baby hobo in an alleyway.
jagosaurus: One of those cartoon non-babies.
trasherati: A bitty baby drunk in NYC.
jagosaurus: Wearing a bunny hat and a look of disgust casting about for some gin…in a sippy cup.
trasherati: Just peed himself and is soliciting strangers walking by for a blowjob.
jagosaurus: EWWWWWWW. You win.
trasherati: I win everything.
jagosaurus: True.
trasherati: Ooh, better one: he’s a baby derelict who just wandered, drunk, into the free clinic: “Doc, *hic* lookat dis – it keeps spreading.”
jagosaurus:  Hahahahahahahahahahaha, and ew.
trasherati: HEAVY DEMAND.
jagosaurus: Enjoy a gallery’s worth of gorgeous baby “portraits” with attitude to spare. EACH DOLL IS ANATOMICALLY CORRECT.
trasherati: This is so disturbing. Not only the images, but the ad copy is just…off.
jagosaurus: You think?
trasherati: “Each blanket is imprinted with a sentiment that is sure to make you smile.” Only if they use my free clinic line.
jagosaurus: CHARMINGLY CHUBBY? Hi, my name is Jane, and I am charmingly chubby.
trasherati: Chuu–uuuu—by.
jagosaurus: LILFAT.
trasherati: Hahahahahhhahahaha! That’s his street name!