Assume a guarded crouch
The April Fools’ Day Defense Kit
Several years ago, a friend failed to assume the guarded crouch and was completely taken in by this story published by Discover magazine. She received the news that this was a joke with absolutely horrible grace … which was really, really funny. Which made her even angrier. This might have been the beginning of the end of our friendship.
Saturday
After the complete terribleness of yesterday, which resulted in a foil nose, I am determined to make today better. To that end I am going on some excursions that I will be sure to enjoy: the local flea market, a huge garden center, an Asian grocery.
Between the mild sunniness of the day, the good company, and the keen interest in the three destinations listed above, the day should be significantly better. I should be significantly better.
That is all.
Promoted from a comment
List of weapons that don’t exist, but should.
HAHAHAHAHAHA. Wheeeeee. Awesome.
Outside Trondheim
“The trees lost their leaves to the slow creep towards winter, the light started to weaken, declining into a mid-afternoon dusk. I lived in a hut by a fjord and walked through the twilight mornings, across fields dusted with a light coating of snow, a coating which thickened as the winter became darker. The stillness was what most affected my mood; I had thought the long nights would drag me into inertia, but I found walking to a silent field of ice, the only motion the snow gliding onto the windowsill, created a mood of exhilaration. The sun shone; a white plain sharply distinguished from the darkness of the sky; everything was bold and uncomplicated.”
-The Ice Museum, Joanna Kavenna
The gift that keeps on giving
It occurs to me that in the spirit of how I acquired it, I should pass this book along to someone else. If you want it, send me an email and I’ll mail it to you.
I promise to neither judge nor humiliate you. Seriously. I boldly and shamelessly carried it to my apartment from the laundry room (that is three buildings away from mine) because I knew it would be hilarious and because I don’t give a rat’s ass what anybody might think. And then, I posted both a photo of and some of the highlighted excerpts from it because, again, I don’t give a rat’s ass what anybody might think.
Come on. You know you want it.
I have green foil wrapped around the tip of my nose right now.
And don’t you just wish I’d take a picture of it?
I’ve had a bad day thus far. Slept badly, woke up defective and inferior, look like hell, and am generally frustrated and clumsy. So I wrapped some green foil* around the tip of my nose and informed my co-workers that I had been in a swordfight and consequently had my nose, er, reduced.
It amuses me, okay? Back off.
*In lieu of gold and silver.
Who comes up with these things? I’d really like to know.
Once again, I have been sent one of those get to know you emails by a favorite person so I am posting it here. Hi, Marisa!
Have You Ever:
- (X) Smoked a cigarette
- (X) Drank so much you threw up
- (X) Had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back
- () Been arrested
- () Gone on a blind date
- (X) Skipped school
- () Seen someone die
- () Been to Canada
- (X) Been to Florida
- () Been to Mexico
- (X) Been on a plane
- (X) Been lost
- (X) Gone to Washington, DC
- () Gone skinny dipping
- (X) Felt like dying
- (X) Cried yourself to sleep
- (X) Played cops and robbers
- () Recently colored with crayons
- () Sang karaoke
- () Paid for a meal with only coins
- (X) Done something you told yourself you wouldn’t
- () Made prank phone calls
- (X) Laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose
- (X) Laughed until liquid came out the other end
- (X) Caught a snowflake on your tongue.
- (X) Gotten out of a speeding ticket.
- () Danced in the rain
- (X) Written a letter to Santa Claus
- (X) Been kissed under the mistletoe
- (X) Watched the sun rise with someone you care about
- (X) Blown bubbles
- () Made a bonfire on the beach
- () Crashed a party
- (X) Gone roller-skating
- () Ice-skating
- () Swam in the ocean
- Any nicknames? Janegirl, Dear Jane, Janey.
- Mother’s name? Mom, of course.
- What is your favorite drink? Tea, iced or hot.
- Tattoos? Two: back, right wrist.
- Body piercing? Ears only.
- How much do you love your job? Thiiiiiiis much.
- Birthplace: Martinsville, VA
- Favorite vacation spot? Some place quiet and rural.
- Ever been to Africa? No.
- Ever eaten cookies for dinner? Is that wrong?
- Ever been on TV? No.
- Ever steal any traffic signs? No but I have nicked a couple things. Hey, I needed them.
- Ever been in a car accident? Yes.
- Was it your fault? No.
- 4 Doors? What? In what? My car? My apartment? My head?
- Salad dressing? Ranch.
- Favorite Pie? Pecan, cherry.
- Favorite number? 0 and 1.
- Favorite Movie? Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead, The Princess Bride.
- Favorite Holiday? Towel Day.
- Favorite alcoholic drink? Margarita.
- Favorite Food? I seem to have a terrible fondness for Mexican food.
- Favorite day of the week? Saturday.
- Favorite brand of body soap? Soap? What is this soap of which you speak?
- Favorite TV show(s)? Waking the Dead, CSI (the original), America’s Next Top Model.
- Favorite toothpaste? I don’t care.
- What do you do to relax? Read, mostly.
- Do you have a message to your friends reading this now? Wish you were here. No. I really do.
- How do you see yourself in 10 years? Still siting here trying to complete this damned questionnaire.
- Furthest place you will send this message? Everywhere.
- Your hero? My Dad.
- Your middle name and be honest? Ann.
Parking is a luxury
My apartment complex, large and sprawling though it is, has a near shortage of parking. I think the gap between people who need to park and actual spaces is just enough to make residents slightly twitchy. There’s also the fact that you cannot park just anywhere in the complex. I live on a private street so I can only park there. Most of the other residents live on city streets and therefore need zone parking permits and whatnot.
Given all of this stupidity, it is with considerable interest that I noted the following three things this morning on my walk to work:
- A huge swath of spaces (almost certainly too many) on my little private street blocked off for some maintenance work being done this week. It needs to be done, but still.
- An 18-wheeler blocking several spaces on another street and almost completely blocking one lane of a major thoroughfare. Said 18-wheeler further managed to block several more spaces with its cargo: a great huge steaming pile of mulch. The only thing about this that I would find even remotely appealing is if they did this in the dead of summer when the mulch pile would almost certainly catch fire.
- A sinkhole on yet another street. Three spaces have been blocked for a few days but the city is on the job now and blocking about a dozen spaces as well as taking up most of a lane. They’ll be at this all day. Two days if they can manage it.
I fully expect the rest of the residential parking to be taken up by something completely random when I get home this evening. Perhaps a traveling carnival with a big ferris wheel looming over the rooftops, the mingled smell of cotton candy and popcorn in the air, and the occasional roar of lions.
Funny how I find myself … researching this video
I am sitting here watching the staggeringly bad Talk Talk video for the wonderful song It’s My Life, and I am so glad I looked it up because to say it is a terrible video is an understatement. I wondered what that was all about and now I know:
There are two versions of the video for “It’s My Life.” The first, envisioned by director Tim Pope as a statement against the banality of lip-synching, consists almost entirely of footage from nature documentaries, interspersed with shots of Talk Talk lead singer Mark Hollis standing in the midst of the London Zoo, with his mouth pointedly shut tight and often obscured by hand-drawn animated lines. The second version, recorded at the behest of EMI, consisted of the entirety of the original video projected on a green screen behind Hollis and his two bandmates as they lip-synched and mimed the song, deliberately poorly and with comic exaggerated gestures.
[via]
I cannot find the really shitty version online so you’ll have to make do with this slightly less shitty version. The song is fabulous either way.
