How could you possibly think it is okay to do that?

Observations from this week at our conference:

1. Someone vigorously buffing shoes with the table cloth.
2. Someone not leaving the meeting room to loudly blow nose with a honking sound approximate to that of 12 geese. This happened at least four times in two days.
3. Someone pouring water into a glass slowly and loudly. And as we know from that scene in A League of Their Own, there are few more arresting and annoying sounds than water hitting water.
4. Someone who is ridiculously pushy and cannot shut up and who will hold you hostage forever talking and talking and talking to the point that we had to rescue several people from said person.
5. Many people who are unable to use their inside voices when out in the hallway on their cell phones. Still others who are so goddamned important that they cannot turn their phones down or off so that they don’t disrupt the meeting.
6. People who go out of their way to ask women to run errands for them even though said women are professional peers.

All of these people can kiss my ass.

Ballballballballballballballball

Pekoe, Andrea’s adorable dog, spends a lot of time – and would spend ALL of his time – playing soccer. If Andrea is to get any rest at all, she has to put all of the toy balls high up where he cannot get to them. The result of this is a very focused canine who spends many of his waking hours trying to send Andrea subtle messages with his body language and attempts at telepathy: “ball. ball. ball. ball. ball. balll….. bah bah ball ball ball HEY Look, ball ball ball ball ball ball ball ball ball ball ball ball ball ball ball ball ball ball ball ball ball ball ball ball ball ball ball Hey, look, down here! ball ball ball ball ball ball ball ball ball ball ball ball ball ball ball ball ball ball ball ball ball ball ball ball ball ball ball ball ball ball.”

I understand really. My thought process is often this: “books. books. books. books. books. books. Hey, cute shoes!!!! books. books. books.books. books. books.books. books. books.books. books. books. books. books. books. books. books. books. books. books. books. books. books. books.books. books. books. books. books. books. books. books. books.books. books. books.

Hotel music

There ought to be a law against embedding lyrics like the following in my brain just because I happen to be walking around in your hotel’s public spaces or using the ladies room:

Don’t cry out loooooooooooooooud
Just keep it insiiiiiiiiiiiide
Learn how to hide your feeliiiiiiiiings
Fly high and prooooooooooud
And if you should fallllllllllllll
Remember you almost had it all

and

Un-break my heaaaaaaaaaart
Say you’ll love me agaaaaaaain
Un-do this hurt you caused
When you walked out the door
And walked outta my life
Un-cry these teeeeeears…

Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Brain … hurts.

Hotel lack of sleeping

The first night in a hotel is usually not good and this one is proving no exception. Although I do not have to rise early tomorrow and could luxuriate in glorious sleep, I am wide awake at almost midnight which is very bad for me. I am now completely off my sleep routine and cycle, which, as I get older, becomes more and more rigid. I hate to think what sort of mood I’ll be in Monday.

My plan is to close this laptop down and crawl back into bed. I’ve turned off the heat and cracked open the sliding glass door so that I can hear the faux geyser thingy in the “pond” and the Canada geese. They weren’t too loud with the door closed so I hope it won’t sound, with the door ever-so-slightly open, like a gaggle of them is perched on the other bed honking at me. The cool air should help me sleep too. Even now as I type this, it is curling around my bare legs enticing me to go back to bed.

There is a red plastic sled on my balcony. I have no idea why. No one else seems to have one. Wonder what it means?

More evidence that humans aren’t that unique

Researchers have found evidence for referential gestures in wild chimps. Humans commonly use referential gestures that direct the attention of recipients to particular aspects of the environment. Because the recipient of a referential gesture must infer the signaler’s meaning, the use of these gestures has been linked with cognitive capacities such as the ability to recognize another individual’s mental state.

And again I say it isn’t a bad thing. Just like the evidence of tool use in other creatures, this is really cool. That other animals do things humans do does not diminish humankind (although it does provide some much-needed humbling).

I think we’ve all known someone like this

Remembering Sunday School with Ms. Divine.

Many thanks to Jess for sending this to me.

Lee Smith

My cousin Leslie and great aunt RJ recently attended a talk in Floyd, VA by a favorite author: Lee Smith. This is an event that Trasherati and I desperately wanted to attend and were willing to drive hours for but couldn’t because of our schedules. I shouldn’t be selfish however. I did see Smith several years ago in Martinsville, VA. You can read Leslie’s write-up of the Floyd event here or here.

Smith is one of my all-time favorite authors. Her writing is particularly poignant to me as a fellow southern highlander. Her prose, like that of Fred Chappell, flows like music. Because of her background and the people she writes about, all of her characters feel like family. She feels like family, frankly. If you enjoy beautiful, often funny prose about real, earthy people, I highly recommend Lee Smith’s books. They’re all good but my personal favorites are Oral History, Family Linen, and Fair and Tender Ladies.

I think it is time for me to read them again.

Enjoying

Margo’s octopus of disdain has been unleashed, and there’s no stopping it!

Clandestine comets found in main asteroid belt

You were the welcome balance between frightening Lil’ Kim and vampy Christina Aguilera in that “Lady Marmelade” video a while ago, and outdid both of them.

The Navy’s Swimmer Nullification Program

If you have a good marriage little stupid bullshit shouldn’t matter.

The only thing worse

…than the appeareance of Madagascar hissing cockroaches on my tv because America’s Next Top Model thought it would be a good idea to have the girls model with them, was watching the girls trying to walk in profoundly high, platform, undoubtedly heavy spike-heeled shoes. It was like watching that clip of Joe Theismann’s leg breaking (which, if you haven’t seen, don’t watch although I am linking to it) and was so cringeworthy that I had to keep turning away. Ankles are NOT suppose to twist and turn like that.

And just to make sure you understand exactly how excruciating it was, know that I DESPISE, FEAR, and LOSE MY SHIT at the mere thought of a regular, pedestrian, everyday cockroach. That I would prefer to see enormous cockroaches instead of the walking exercise should tell you just how disturbing it was.

Use tools, feel human

Ask.com has a commercial out that gives us a potential new catchphrase: Use tools, feel human.” Clever. And while I understand their point, I cringe at the inaccuracy. Perhaps I am too persnickety (and I know some of you will tell me if you think I am), but it has been proved over and over again that using tools is NOT an exclusively human trait. Consider the following non-humans:

• Dolphins
• Chimpanzees
• Crows
• Gorillas
• Otters

Furthermore, to illustrate their point, Ask.com has the characters acting like chimpanzees. Which, not to belabor my point, IS INACCURATE AND MISLEADING.

I don’t understand the need to feel superior. I mean, I do understand it, of course, but I don’t get why it is truly necessary. Why isn’t different okay? I don’t know that I am actually superior to a dolphin, for instance. And? I don’t care.

But I do care that the commercial reinforces outdated (and WRONG) information.